|
|
What black folk really need Hollywood knows best. Hollywood is always at the forefront of every social issue aiming to save the world from itself. They define our morality and our politics. Without Hollywood, we'd be lost in the night, unable to know what is right, what is wrong, or the difference. We've got Al Gore, who devotes all his efforts being the champion of the crusade against George Bush and his evil legions of bedside, fudge-packing, corporate butt buddies. These guys steal from the poor and spend day and night plotting to destroy the environment, as they use third-world, sweatshop Burmese children to starch their top hats, press their suits, and polish their monocles. Thank you, Al Gore. We'd be lost without you. We've got Rosie O'Donnell - in order to reconcile the frustrations brought about by her sexual inadequacies, she's embarked on a mission to ban the most phallic of man-made objects: handguns. If nobody's willing to give Rosie a penis, then nobody's allowed to have one. Without all those projectile penis sticks that were designed specifically for oppressing women, Rosie and her band of man-hating dykes can roam the land free; tits flapping in the breeze, liberated from the constraints of those objectifying wire prisons, otherwise known as bras. Thank you, Rosie O'Donnell. We'd be lost without you. But more than global warming, more than gun control, the most coveted of all Hollywood social issues is and has always been racism. Hollywood loves the black folk, and anyone who hates Hollywood must, by logic, also hate black folk too. Bush is racist, Republicans are racists, and oh, any territory of those imperialist capitalists existing beyond the borders of the Hollywood Nation is racist too. As any self-respecting leader of any great social cause, Hollywood also knows how to solve the issue of racism: fix the environment. It's not the fault of black people that they are a bunch of crack-smoking, uneducated whoremongers, only concerned with stealing TV's to get money for buying the 22-inch gold rims that adorn their low-riders. THE MAN has spent decades upon decades oppressing minorities, and therefore, those darkies cannot be held responsible for their actions. Criminals aren't criminals by choice; they're criminals because THE MAN forced them to turn to a life of crime. There can be only one solution: send a whitey into the 'hood. Let that whitey educate the black kids so that they may be removed from their environment. Those little black kids would be lost without a white mentor. And if they misbehave and start bouncing all over the classroom as an expression of rebellion and civil disobedience, just tape some Velcro to the ceiling - their burry little heads won't be getting anywhere. Nobody understands the black man's plight better than a total outsider. A properly nourished, well-educated, well-financed, and socially-aware white person is able to offer unique insight into addressing black stereotypes in such a way that black people simply cannot, for they are just too high on crack to help themselves. Do you honestly think I'm kidding? Just look at all the Hollywood movies where a white person goes into the ghetto in order to educate a bunch of rowdy negro youngsters. And these kids always end up better after receiving the wise and civilized knowledge of the white man. Hollywood knows best. |
|
Dangerous MindsMichelle Pheiffer takes off her shiny leather outfit, loses the claws and the whip, and seduces the classroom. She plays ex-Marine Lou Anne Johnson, teaching at an inner-city school. Jesus Fucking Christ, I don't think you can have a more whitey name than Lou Anne. But thankfully, this white woman knows how to fix the black folk. She bribes them with candy. If they get out of line, she karate chops them. Clearly, Hollywood says that the only way to put minorities in line is to beat them into submission. We had to whip them when they were slaves picking cotton, and we have to whip them when they are pregnant teens memorizing their multiplication tables. The movie is rounded off by that one hit song by Coolio, 'Gangsta's Paradise.' Black people don't know how to spell. And by the lyrics of that rap song, it's obvious that darkies don't know correct grammar either. |
|||
|
The SubstituteBlack people clearly don't know their own history either. It's not their fault; they've been deprived by those evil corporate Republicans. Thankfully, we have Tom Berenger to help. If the darkies received some history lessons, they'd be better, more productive members of society. Our substitute teacher succeeds by instilling some desperately needed morality into black kids with lessons from the Vietnam War. During the Vietnam War, soldiers made lots of sacrifices for their country. By analogy, black males should stop raping white women. During the Vietnam War, soldiers faced the very likely possibility of coming home in a body bag. By analogy, black folk should stop smoking crack. The substitute also fights the system. He spends a lot of time out of the classroom stopping THE MAN from oppressing the Velcro-heads. He also achieves mutual understanding with the gangs too. It's not their fault they've formed gangs; all they needed the whole time was the guidance of the white man. |
|||
|
HardballKeanu Reeves shows us that bringing enlightenment to negro children does not necessarily have to take place in the classroom. Take Minor League baseball, for example. I just love how every time the black kids are around the white man, they become disciplined and obedient. And every time they are away, they get caught in the crossfire of gang fights. There's even a scene where the most adorable of the black kids hops out of Keanu's station wagon, and five minutes later, he's shot dead. Clearly, if black folk are without a white mentor's continuous, devoted attention, they'll be unable to overcome their shortcomings. They'll start shooting each other. Hollywood's lesson? If you're black, it's in your best interests to do as your baseball coach says. Otherwise, yo' ass is gonna get capped, nigga. |
|||
|
High School HighHere's proof that the white man's help can be fun too. Jon Lovitz plays Richard Clark, a teacher at Marion (Bitch set me up!) Barry High School. The school is so violent that it has its own graveyard, the mascot has a crack pipe, and most of the black students are (for all intensive purposes) illiterate. And without the benevolent wisdom of a white actor, they'd probably stay illiterate. Jon Lovitz also has to fight THE MAN too. THE MAN is Evelyn Doyle, who does all she can to keep the black folk down. She doesn't need a premise - that's just what THE MAN does. And of course, the movie wouldn't be complete without that precious, precious scene where Jon plays some of his honkie music on a turntable. Then one of those negro children starts scratching the vinyl, thereby introducing an intermingling of cultures. Embrace Hollywood's melting pot. |
|||
|
The Ron Clark StoryA return to basics. There's an inner-city school full of negroes. They're illiterate, as black children typically are. They've violent, as black children typically are. They're all poorly-dressed with oversized clothing; but it's not their fault. Their parents are too poor to afford properly-sized clothing - these kids are forced to 'grow into' their clothes. Man, that is whack, yo. Who will save them from their pitiful selves? Chandler Bing, of course! He has his left super ultra white Manhattan neighborhood and super ultra white 'Friends' to embark on a mission of greater good. If every black kid in America had Chandler Bing as a mentor, there would be no more crack dealers on street corners or pregnant teens lining up at abortion clinics. |
|||
The SummationThrough so many Hollywood movies, we've learned that black people are only retarded felons because there is no white person to show them the way. Without the wisdom and teachings of a white actor, they don't know how to be obedient or disciplined. And the whiter the teacher, the better behaved the negro children. We should have Ku Klux Klan brethren take off their blankets and work at inner-city schools. This proposal is the logical conclusion of the Hollywood social agenda. In fact, we simply cannot leave the blackies behind in their ghetto environments. If they stay in their surroundings, they will become a product of their environments. Hollywood has concluded that we should remove them from their impoverished, urban slums and place them into super-white environments such as mansions and rural farmland. Here, their inadequacies can be rectified properly under the constant, loving supervision of a benevolent and caring white master, who will show them how to be productive and hard-working. We should do as Hollywood says. Hollywood knows best. We should re-enslave black people. If you disagree with me, then you're a racist. You're not a racist, are you? Written by Dinah Cheshire |
