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Embrace the New World Order I am a capitalist. I am a capitalist because capitalism is the only system that takes advantage of basic human avarice. All other economic ideologies make the incorrect assumption that everybody will play nice with each other. Bullshit.
The day I saw a Britney Spears CD on sale for 17 dollars, I decided to embrace illegal music downloading. But how does piracy support free markets? Let me tell you. I refuse to be overcharged for shitty music. Besides, the royalties that recording artists get from CD sales are pathetic; they make most of their money on concert tours. The only people getting rich off shitty, overpriced albums are studio execs. And if you piss off your consumers enough, they will have incentive to go elsewhere. Piracy is capitalism in its purist form. It's 'ultra-capitalism.' When you try to stop ultra-capitalism, you're left with monumental failures like the War on Drugs. I believe in ultra, hard-core, XXX capitalism. I believe that the government should only interfere when settling disputes, or to regulate factors that exist beyond the controls of free markets, like making sure that the ConEd plant in Queens doesn't fart anthrax out of its smokestacks. I believe that government employees are incompetent by nature. They are incompetent because they have no incentive not to be incompetent. They neither work for themselves nor do they face competition. Anything that consumers can decide, should be left for consumers to decide. Take gas emission standards as an example. Every time the government tries to regulate, all progress is brought to a standstill because nobody has incentive to make anything better than what is required. Then along came a factor more powerful than pro-active environmentalists - OPEC. So while American automakers were content with just meeting EPA emissions standards, Japanese automakers decided that sooner than later, the price of gasoline would become a considerable cost expense. As of August 2006, Toyota is now the #2 U.S. automaker - ahead of Chrysler, ahead of Ford. (For those of you, who are confused, the U.S. puts tariff taxes on imports; Toyota built a factory in Kentucky. God bless loopholes. ) People want to buy fuel-efficient cars. Hot new Toyota hybrids are selling faster than hot new prostitutes at Dupont Circle. Hybrids didn't happen because of environmentalists. Hybrids happened because nobody wants to pay 40 bucks for a full tank of gas anymore. Suck on that, you anti-corporate tree-huggers. Look at how the government has interfered with airlines. Even though the old carriers are inefficient and costly, they're still around because the government keeps bailing them out of bankruptcy. In turn, newer airline companies with better business models cannot succeed because they don't have the luxury of handouts. Then there's airport security. No airline wants one of their planes to get hijacked or blown up. Face it - airlines have more incentive to prevent terrorism than government TSA employees. But instead of delegating responsibility where the incentive is greatest and the need is most relevant, airport security is now funded by taxpayers. When you go see a Knicks game, the MSG private security screens you. They can move 10,000 fans through a gate in like 15 fucking minutes, because they know that if they piss off the ticket holders, fans will just go see Nets games instead. Or stay home. Everybody knows that suicide-bombing a But MSG is still standing, isn't it? How is it that the security at MSG is better, safer, faster, cheaper, and less inconvenient than airports? Because MSG is held responsible for their own shit. They have every incentive not fuck their shit up. So I say, hand airport security over to the airline companies. |
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Meet Kip Hawley: he is in charge of the TSA - Transportation
Security Administration. |
Oh, that's right - airlines used to handle their own security before terrorism happened. So why aren't United Airlines and American Airlines getting branding irons shoved up their smelly assholes for fucking up? Yep, we can thank another government bailout, also known as TSA. Fuck you, TSA. Fuck you, Kip Hawley. Segue. Our government, and the people who voted our government into power, are so paranoid and incompetent, that they're willing to put up with all sorts of bullshit for the sake of security against terrorism. The terrorists have not made me shit myself in fear. They've pissed me off. I can't bring eyeliner on the plane now. Seriously, what the fuck? WHAT THE FUCK? “I swear to you officer, it's not a bomb. Really, it's not. IT'S JUST A FUCKING BOTTLE OF FUCKING MOUTHWASH, YOU FUCKING CUNTRAG!” Back to my rant on capitalism - if there's enough incentive, somebody somewhere will find a way to offer something better than the status quo, provided that this person makes an assload of money along the way. In an episode of South Park entitled 'The Entity,' 4th grade teacher Mr. Garrison is so pissed off with going to the airport that he invents a new traveling machine that renders airplanes obsolete. And despite the fact that this machine shoves a dildo up your ass, despite the fact that you have fellate this machine, it's still better than going to the airport. Another segue. The purist of purist hackers don't hack to fuck shit up or to steal your credit card number. They hack to expose the flaws in various systems. A great example is that dude who hacked the XBox. He emailed Microsoft to tell them that he was running Linux from his console, and that Microsoft should do something about it. Microsoft didn't; so he published his method all over the freaking internet for everyone to see. In the tradition of traditional hackers, I am going to propose new ways to fuck shit up at airport security. Remember, I neither support terrorism nor the execution of my proposals. I am only trying to expose flaws. Eventually, I hope to get Homeland Security so fucking paranoid that they will just have to implement all sorts of safeguards to prevent my proposals from becoming tangible successes. Who knows, some towelhead out there might just get inspired by me, and steal one of my proposals! YOU CAN NEVER BE TOO SAFE! THE TERRORISTS NEED ONLY BE RIGHT 1% OF THE TIME; WE HAVE TO BE RIGHT 100% OF THE TIME!
Ultimately, I want the ordeal of getting through airport security to be so absolutely shitty, that someone somewhere will offer something better than flying. Everyone, including myself, will pay this person for making our lives better, and for getting the Department of Homeland Security to (once and for all) shut the fuck up. Another alternative is that Homeland Security will finally realize that they have no business with the business of airport security. Embrace my ultra-XXX capitalism. |
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Our New World Order, thanks to terrorism and airport
security - the time is now ripe to fuck shit up, royally. |
Proposal #1 - Instead of Trying to Sneak Shit Past Airport Security and onto Planes...In anticipation of the numerous hate mails that will come my way, let me repeat myself by stating any and every thing on this page is a thought-experiment into proving the fundamental flaws and ridiculousness of airport security. I do not condone terrorism. I do not approve of terrorism. I love America. I even know all five provisions of the First Amendment. Quick, see if you can name all five. I'll even help you - one of them is religion. And no, you dumbasses: freedom of religion and separation of church and state count as one provision. Go ahead. Name the five provisions of the First Amendment. If you can't, then you're a traitorous, tree-hugging, bleeding-heart, America-hating pinko commie racist, who has lost all credibility. Now onto some really, really tactless shit. Those towelheads have succeeded really, really well in creating gigantic lines at airports. I remember a time when I spent no less than 15 minutes getting screened. I traveled abroad last year and I spent almost 2 hours in line. But now that we can't even bring toothpaste onto planes... oh Jesus Christ, save us. I can't bring lubricant on airplanes either. Of course, we know what the real, ulterior TSA agenda is: Anal sex is prohibited on airplanes - If you and your lover have a little sodomy, then the terrorists will win. You and your kinky wench are now supporters of terrorism. You can't even bring some forms of makeup on planes. Well, what about people who depend on makeup? How will they survive? The Department of Homeland Security discriminates against cross-dressers. Shame on you, Kip Hawley. I make fun of cross-dressers all the time, but I'm not about to stop them from boarding planes. How dare you oppress the transvestite race! Kip Hawley, you're a fucking racist. All of these lines got me to thinking. There's no security to get into the airport. All the security involves getting into the terminals. Anybody carrying a suitcase full of Trident missiles will get past the entrance, but not the metal detectors at the end of the line. So why bother? Just think about it. A loaded airplane has about 100 or so infidels. And getting onto the plane is a real fucking hassle. But what about the line to get past security? There are hundreds of infidels waiting in that line, with almost no security to stop you from waiting in line. Is Allah's Plan becoming obvious yet? ATTENTION ALL TOWELHEADS: DON'T BLOW UP AIRPLANES - Oh Dear God, I am a fucking genius. Just sit back and contemplate this little proposal of mine. This idea is so brilliant, that I don't even have to come up with any more ideas to fuck shit up. A plot to blow up airports will suffice. A) Blowing up airports Like I've already said - all the security is at the end of the line. Getting into the airport is easy. You just... WALK IN. Then there's a gigantic line. Now think about the last time you were forced to wait two hours in a line, while stressing about some crazy itinerary that you've planned weeks or months ahead. Gasp! The sheer incompetence of the airport security might just make you miss your flight. Are you pissed? Fuck yeah! And so is everybody else in line, for that matter. Everybody is so caught in their own little worlds, so goddamned pissed off with all the bullshit around them, that they won't even notice you. So there you have it - security is concerned primarily with screening passengers as they enter the terminals, and passengers are too distracted to pay any attention to you. Just carry a massive suitcase full of ammonium nitrate, or potassium chloride, or whatever floats your Jihad, and wait in line. As soon as you're ready, whip out your untraceable, throw-away cellphone, and speed-dial the detonator to your massive bomb. Allah willing, you'll have service, and hundreds, if not thousands of infidels will die. No more airport. Glory be to the name of Allah. Hooray terrorism! B) You don't even have to suicide-bomb yourself. Once again, everyone is too self-absorbed to notice your Jihad. Just stroll in with your carry-on (make sure it's of proper size!), and wait in line. Wait in line until you're about the halfway point, in order to achieve the maximum spread for killing the maximum number of hippies. Then walk away, while 'innocently' forgetting to take your carry-on, which is now in the middle of the line. Pretend that someone is calling you, and you have to go meet this person. Nobody will notice. Nobody will care. Trust me. Then, when you are far away enough, detonate that fucker. No more infidels. No more airport. Oh man, terrorism is so fucking awesome. And what if you actually want to die, all martyr style? Then feel free to suicide-bomb yourself. At any rate, no suicide is worthwhile unless you get to take out a bunch of infidels with you. C) You'll kill more infidels. Airport security has made lines at the airports longer. They have created a jihadist's wet dream, a cum-drippingly ecstatic orgasm that did not exist on September 10th. Below is a picture taken by David Zalubowski for the Associated Press, at Denver International. I have identified most of the passengers for informative purposes:
Tell me what you see. Do see any security guards? No. Do you see a gigantic line full of infidels, all lining up to be blown up? Fuck yes. You know what you have to do. You have to kill the infidels. Death to the infidels. Death to America. Blow up the airports. It's what Allah would want you to do. D) It's more effective. Although my idea may not be original, it certainly is awesome enough to turn heads. Airport security will realize their whole strategy focuses on treating planes as potential targets, when in fact, it's the infidel passengers, that are the targets. Then, the numerous vulnerabilities of lines at the airport will become apparent. In order to stop a bomb from getting into the airport, all the security will move out of the terminals and stand at the gates. Now everyone has to wait in gigantic long lines of cars. But these new lines only promote... CAR BOMBINGS! So then airport security will prohibit cars from getting near airports. Then, people will have to walk to the airport. But now you have a bunch of lines again. Soon enough, airport engineers will have to rethink traffic-flow. Airports everywhere will have to be shut down to construct newer, safer, high-tech airports that have to meet so many requirements that they will just be impossible to build. Oh, and the five provisions of the First Amendment are: 1) religion, 2) speech, 3) press, 4) assembly, and 5) petition. I bet you 400 pesos that Kip Hawley doesn't know the 1st Amendment. At any rate, it's been almost FIVE FUCKING YEARS and the WTC site is still a giant hole in the ground. How long do you think it will take the government to approve and implement post-post-post-modern, state-of-the-art airport designs, for every single airport in this country? Oh my god, terrorism rules. As my teachings have exposed how dangerous airports can be, there will come a day when all airports will be shut down because Kip Hawley and the Department of Homeland Security will realize that the TSA can't protect us. On this day, all you goddamn idiotic (and unemployed) airport security employees shall have the privilege to lick the shit off my gold-plated boots, for I am your king. ATTENTION ALL TOWELHEADS: DON'T BLOW UP AIRPLANES
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Written by Dinah Cheshire |
