• It's Sunday; you should be on your knees for
  your Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.
• But before you kneel down,
  here is some friendly Sunday Guidance.
• What Would Jesus Do ? WWJD ?
• (Last modified on: Jan. 17 at: 2:00 am. EST)
  These are the archived posts. Check the Sunday Guidance main page for recent issues.)

Sunday, July 16th, 2006

• What would Jesus do if He was hopelessly addicted to cocaine?
• What the fuck is wrong with you? How dare you be so presumptuous of your Lord and Savior by asking such an idiotic hypothetical question! Jesus doesn't pound blow; He's high on the Word of God. That's all the euphoria anyone will ever need.
• Although the rest of us know full well that He would make an excellent guest at an 80's party.
• “Hey Jesus Christ - we have here a sugar bowl filled with half a kilo of sugar. Would You, um, mind using some of Your transubstantiation powers, please? I mean, You totally rocked that wedding back in the holy land with your water-to-wine trick and all, so... c'mon. C'mon, You know You wanna. Help your fellow man.”
• Oh man, wouldn't it be so fucking awesome if, during the Eucharist, the priest gave you a rolled-up $100 bill and a mirror with a fat line of Colombia's finest yay, and said that you were about to snort the stash Dandruff of Christ?
• And while we're all just speculating, we might as well go all the way. Imagine how well the Catholic Church can rebound its image if they spiced up your Communion! A tab of acid as the Eyes of Christ, a hit of ecstasy for the Heart of Christ....
• If priests had vicious drug habits, they'd be too smashed to sodomize alter boys. We should get Papal sanctions for coke parties in church basements. It would be so hilarious during long sermons when Father _____ has to excuse himself from the pulpit to wipe up a nosebleed. At any rate, the flock would be so tweaked that nobody will be falling asleep.
• Party promoters at street corners, passing out little flyers that say, “Come to Mass! Sunday morning, 8 a.m. - No ID? No worries! - Underage? Who cares? - Dress to impress!” You'll need big black bouncers to handle the crowds, I swear.
• Shit, now I'm getting ahead of myself. Jesus doesn't do cocaine and neither should you. And don't snort dandruff.

Sunday, July 9nd, 2006

• What would Jesus do if He had to choose between watching the final match of the World Cup and attending the wedding of one of his fraternity brothers, and there was no readily available means to record the game?
• Jesus would attend the wedding. It's a tough call, but with all the foresight that He has, he would know that watching Ciaci B____ get hitched is worth missing the World Cup.
• If you were looking for something witty and clever this Sunday, you're not going to find it. Simply put, Jesus loves weddings, and He loves having a good time at weddings. He is the ultimate wedding guest. Forget the open bar; He'll transubstantiate that crazy drunken uncle into wine if you ask Him politely.

Sunday, July 2nd, 2006

• What would Jesus do if He was ambushed by Saddam Hussein's evil posse of Communist ninja vampires from Nazi Germany?
• “Christ, I must be hallucinating again,” He'd say, “that's just My Jewish mother calling me to ask why she doesn't have any grandchildren yet.”
• But honestly, oh Blessed Virgin Mary, even if Jesus Christ ever decides to have kids, Leonardo Da Vinci certainly would not have made esoteric references to such in his paintings.
• That's right, all you stupid fans of that movie and book - whether our Lord and Savior had children changes nothing for Christianity. Jesus is the One who died for our sins, not His hypothetical scions. Salvation during the Dispensation of Grace is through Christ Jesus Lord and none other. Got it? That entire book is based on an illogical premise. I'm surprised none of the Catholic clergy have called this fact out. They're just all in some retarded contest to see which priest can tell us how offended he is, the loudest.
• Fuck you, William Donahue.
• And to think they managed to convince a bunch of alter boys to take it up the butt.
• Let us bend over and pray really hard and really fast. Harder. Faster. Harder! Faster! Now turn around! Amen! Let me get you a towel; your face is drenched in God's holy semen.

Sunday, June 25th, 2006

• What would Jesus do after the Mexican fútbol team loses?
• He would call for some delivery food.
• When the delivery guy comes, Jesus would take the food and then speaketh unto him,
• “Ar-hen-tina Meh-hee-co Dos Uno.”
• Then, because Jesus, our Lord and Savior, is so merciful, He would not only pay the poor bastard, but give him a modest tip as well.
• ¡HABÉIS PERDIDO!
• 

Sunday, June 17th, 2006

• What would Jesus do if He was offered membership to a country club?
• He would turn that shit down. Do you have any idea how much a country club membership costs? Jesus would not waste money like that - instead of blowing money away on pretty lawns with holes, he would give to the poor. That's right, all you rich country club honkies: your Lord and Savior is very, very disappointed in you.
• And he fucking hates the way you crackers try so hard to be politically correct. Christ Almighty, the harder you try, the more racist you look.
• On this Sunday, billions of God's children are watching the FIFA World cup. Without question, it is the most popular sporting event in the world.
• But when I tune in to find soundbites on the American news, I don't get any soccer (football). What do I get instead?
• “In sporting news this week, it appears that Tiger Woods has not qualified for the ____ PGA tournament. He has always qualified to this event, but not this time.”
• WHAT THE FUCK?
• Since when did a story about an athlete sucking take on more weight than the greatest sports tournament in the entire world?
• Shall we compare golf to soccer? Why even bother?
• Golf is not a fucking sport. You shell out assloads of money to wear ugly, overpriced clothing, pay membership to a country club, tip the caddie, and buy a bagful of what are essentially metal clubs. Golf is not about being at the peak of human physical condition. It's about having lots and lots of money and spending it in the most wasteful of ways, just so that when you meet up with your co-workers around the water cooler come Monday, you can tell them that you're wealthy enough to wipe your ass with Benjamin's after taking runny, explosive shits from drinking too much buttermilk with your Lady Fingers.
• Face it - there's no way that maintaining 18 lawns can cost over 20 grand per member. You're just trying to keep the 'Darkies' out. Admit it.
• Yo, Whitey: your Brooks Brothers polo tee is ugly. And those golf shoes you've on your pedicure feet - you might be rich, but evidently, YOU DON'T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO BUY YOURSELF A FUCKING CLUE.
• Let's get back to how a news story about Tiger Woods NOT WINNING is somehow more significant than the World Cup.
• WHAT THE FUCK?
• There are two issues at hand here: why story about someone sucking seems to be worth a report, and why the World Cup doesn't seem that important. Let's start with the second issue.
• We Americans suck at soccer. Soccer is not popular with Americans. The question begged is, do we suck because it's not popular, or is it not popular because we suck?
• Americans are an arrogant species, and rightly so. We are the fucking shining city on a hill. So if we're not the best in the world at soccer, it must because it's not worth our time and effort.
• And American commentary on the soccer games suck too.
• “Ah, the center has passed to the halfback. Now the halfback has passed to the right forward. Now let's insert some retard analogy to baseball. Oh! It appears that the right forward has scored a point. Well-Done. Top-shelf.”
• I find myself tuning into Univision. I have no idea what those spics are saying, but at least I won't be hearing any baseball analogies during a fucking soccer game.
• Whether soccer is the greatest sport in the world is irrelevant. What matters is that in every other nation in the world, the citizenry lives, breathes, and shits soccer. In the eyes of 6 billion of God's children, less 280 million Americans, the country, whose team wins the FIFA World Cup, is the greatest nation in the world.
• So Jesus Christ hath spoken unto America: if the rest of world is competing for the title of “Greatest Nation on Earth,” we damn well better have a good American team. Too bad we suck.
• Regardless, how can a news story of somebody sucking be more important than any and every thing else, including the the world's most-watched sporting event? Does it have to do with the fact that Tiger Woods is (gasp!) not white?
• When a whole bunch of white people congregate, do stupid, honkie things with their money (not stupid like buying gold teeth and 22 inch chrome rims, but stupid like getting little plastic balls monogrammed), and congregate in such a way that inherently excludes minorities, liberals raise eyebrows. Oh dear, we had best not get the race card dealt against us.
• Tiger Woods is the greatest thing to happen to
  politically correct honkies.
• When all you whities go to sleep at night, remember to thank God for blessing you with somebody who doesn't look white.
• But God still has a sick sense of humor. Tiger Woods is half Asian and half African American. And we all know that the average African American in America is about a quarter white, given that back in the day, slave masters were a horny bunch. So no matter how you do the math,
• TIGER WOODS IS LESS THAN HALF-BLACK.
• But he's still some non-white person playing an otherwise, very white (quote)sport(quote). So if Whitey continues to make Tiger Woods the poster child of crackers everywhere (no matter how he's playing), then Whitey continues to look E.A.O.A: “Equally Affirmative Opportunity Actionable.”
• So while you sit in your cigar lounges sipping your brandy and feeling super-smug about yourselves, remember that the rest of us aren't convinced. And the harder you honkies try, the more pathetic you look. This Sunday, your efforts placed a story, which is not really a story, over the FIFA World Cup.
• Jesus is very, very disappointed in you.
• May God have mercy on your honkie souls.

Sunday, June 11th, 2006

• What would Jesus do about Puerto Ricans?
• Lest we all forget (and your Lord and Savior would certainly not want you to), today is not only the Puerto Rican Day Parade in New York City, but also the 6th anniversary of another Puerto Rican Day Parade. Six years ago, the country learned the term, 'wilding.' In Central Park and elsewhere, at least four dozen women reported being molested, sexually assaulted, and raped during the parade. These tragic events are not surprising. Similar acts, as well as countless other acts of looting, rioting, vandalism, and general public faux-pas have come out of this parade.
• THE PROBLEM:
• 
• The parade runs down 5th Avenue on most of the length of Central Park. That's right - the route passes through some of the hottest tracts of rich white real estate in Manhattan. Why here, and not a parade back in some of the traditionally Nuyorican Bronx neighborhoods? Isn't it obvious? THEY ARE OUT TO KILL WHITEY. They have forgotten the teachings of Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior.
• Granted, the offenders were and few (relative to the millions attending) in number and should not and cannot represent the whole of the Puerto Rican people. Moreover, the police on that fateful day were noticeably nonchalant. The point is, we clearly have a case of racism vs. practicality. If you board up your windows (a lot of store owners have been doing that during the past few days), you'll prevent the looting and vandalism that will happen inevitably, but everyone will label you as a racist, especially dear old Mayor Bloom berg. It's a lose-lose situation: either you waste money to buy plywood while getting ostracized socially, or your business gets trashed. Begs the question... what would Jesus do ? WWJD ?
• THE SOLUTION:
• 
• The issue at hand here is that shop owners have to board their windows up every year, and each year that they do this, they get yelled at. Clearly, they're just trying to shield themselves away from the problem instead of confronting them directly. Jesus Christ doesn't like pussies.
• We need some Sunday Guidance. WWJD?
• Although we can never be even half the Man that He was, we should still aspire to be like Him. What we need is a “final solution.” We need a model of 1947 Avtomat Kalashnikova.
• Handled effectively, you, the wary shopkeeper, can mow down anyone who tries to rape white women or steal TV's within an effective range of 300 meters at 600 rounds per minute. In this fashion, these offenders will never come back (because you've killed them), the Puerto Rican community no longer has to be tainted and stereotyped by this small minority of hooligans (because they're dead), and everyone's happy. Hallelujah! Praise Jesus Christ . Hallowed be Thy Name. Amen.

Sunday, June 4rd, 2006

• What would Jesus do with fat chicks?
• The best way to get your point across to a person who seriously needs a clue or two is to do something nice but horribly insulting at the same time. If you follow Jesus' advice, you might just get away with a few laughs and absolutely no consequences.
• Like buying your woman a beautiful and expensive couture dress that is three sizes too small.
• “Honey, I got a bonus on my last paycheck so I got you this present because I love you and you deserve the best. Oh my God - it doesn't fit you, does it? Guess I'll have to return it.”
• Cliché 'Mastercard' summary - cost: $0. Getting your message across in a most effective manner: fucking priceless.

Sunday, May 27th, 2006

• What would Jesus not do?
• Jesus would not do whatever the hell he didn't feel like doing. He didn't feel like bailing out on humankind, so he suffered for all of our sins. It's not like as he was getting nailed to the cross, he was thinking to himself, “Gee I wonder what the political and social ramifications will be as a result of My actions today; from the Crusades to the Inquisition to televangelism; all the gross misinterpretations and opportunism created in my name...” Nope. He was thinking, “I, the Son of God and God Incarnate, don't feel like letting humankind down.” He kept it simple - which brings me to my next point:
• What's with people's obsession with Rosa Parks? All you fucking civil-rights savvy dipshits should stop glorifying her. Seriously, she was just some old black lady with attitude. She just didn't feel like getting up, plain and simple.
• It's not like she was thinking, “Today, I'm going to become the inspiration and catalyst for a large and very consequential political movement by asserting myself against an unjust law via civil disobedience.” Nope. She probably just had a long day at work: exhausted, feet sore, and was just thinking, “Bitch! I know you didn't just ask me to gets up outta my seat. Who the fuck you think you is? I was here first. Yeah, that's right - bring it on, you cracker-ass ho!”
• Followed by the side-to-side head-nod and finger-snap.

Sunday, May 20th, 2006

• What would Jesus do about hippies?
• He would rob them blind of what meager amounts of cash they had and give each of them back a dollar so they can buy themselves a fucking clue.
• You see, our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, wore long robes, let His hair grow out, stayed in a constant state of bliss, and traveled the land preaching peace and love for a reason - He was saving our souls. All you hippies are too pussy to be as hardcore as Jesus was: He died for his cause, and I don't see any of you smelly wannabe's stepping up to His level. And even if you could, Jesus already beat you to it. Y'all are 2,000 years off the mark.

Sunday, May 13th, 2006

• What would Jesus do on a Sunday?
• He would be praising Jesus, just like you and me. Yea, mine brethren and sister...ren, Jesus refers to Himself in the third person because He is just that awesome. So praise Jesus. Praise Him every day. Glory be to His Name. Amen.

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