• It's Sunday; you should be on your knees for
  your Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.
• But before you kneel down,
  here is some friendly Sunday Guidance.
• What Would Jesus Do ? WWJD ?
• (Last modified on: Mar. 25 at: 3:07 pm. EST)
  (This page will be updated weekly.)
• (Be sure to check out the Sunday Guidance Archives for older posts as well.)

Sunday, January 14, 2007

• What would Jesus do about being all pasty and pale?
• Hmmm. WWJD ?
• He'd get Himself a holy tan, that's what He'd do. Let us give thanks to Al Gore's latest invention - even better than the internet... GLOBAL WARMING.
• Fuck you, Al Gore. Oh, so the earth is getting warmer. It must be Bush's fault! George W. Bush is responsible for everything, right?
• I've been watching the news and last week, one evening news show did a piece about how the weather has been so unseasonably warm. The reporter asked a real live climatoligist working at the National Hurricane Research Center or whatever, and he explains, “yo it's all about the El Niño, nigga.”
• The expert, mind you. Like any reponsible reporter, the man goes to some place that's all sunny (looking for a tan?) and talks to some people who've been victimized because their AC isn't working - for an emotional, gut-wrenching, person of interest sob story affair.
• Here's a hint. Buy yourself a fucking AC. And lose some weight.
• Then this week, there're massive ice and snow storms everywhere. Colorado's buried under like 300 feet of soul-crushing snow or something, and like the entire state of Maine has no electricity because of freezing rain. On the same fucking news program, there's footage of California orange groves all covered in icicles.
• Gee, I think Al Gore's “Global Warming” caused the tragic winter weather. Dammit Al Gore, nobody asked you to invent global warming just so you can drum up support for you and your crusades. It's bad enough that your internet has forced us to create MySpace accounts because everyone else is doing it.
• Lest our memories fail, there was this one time Al Gore presided over a senate that had to vote on the Kyoto Protocol. The treaty was voted down unanimously. That's right. Unanimously. You were there. You witnessed it. All Republicans. All Democrats.
• Which returns us back to this week's fucking cold fripply weather. (Fripply = frozen nipples). Maybe, just maybe, we humans can't predict the weather, huh?
• How pretentious of us mortals to think that our puny little actions can affect global climates. We're not God. Al Gore, stop being so fucking arrogant.
• Or maybe, if George W. Bush has the apparent ability to alter global climates so drastically, he must be one badass motherfucker. I wouldn't mess with a guy who can change the weather. Nope.
• Statistically, earth's global average temperature has been rising. So what? There's a million reasons why the case may be. When Micheal Mann of UVA released the infamous “hockey stick” graph that sparked Al Gore's crusade, he forgot to tell us that some of the tree rings he analyzed showed that just after the ice age, the earth was much warmer, which means that up until a few thousand years ago, the earth was experiencing global cooling. Gasp! The earth's temperature comes and goes in trends... like the seasons?
• Okay you hippies, this is how carbon dioxide cycles work - animals make it, plants absorb it. But carbon dioxide only consitutes a small percentage of the atmosphere, so it's basically a limiting agent. More carbon dioxide equals more plant growth equals more biomass equals faster consumption of carbon dioxide, which leads to equilibrium! Hooray! (The Cato Institute did a study hypothesizing what the earth would be like if it got wamer - the weather would be nicer, there'd be more crops, and life would be better.)
• It's okay, Al Gore. Maybe 2008 will be YOUR year.

Sunday, January 07, 2007

• What would Jesus do if He's been incarcerated for the past 4 months?
• He'd gripe about white people, that's what He'd do.
• Like, how honkies discriminate black people from everything - even from tabloids. What the fuck? What the fuck does a fucking negro have to do to get in a tabloid? If Ol' Dirty Bastard dies after a condom full of cocaine ruptures in his stomach, he gets jack shit from the paparazzi. But if wannabe-Princess Diana takes a nosedive into a concrete barrier, she's suddenly the all the hype on all the talk shows! Fuck you, Princess Diana. You're dead.
• Damn those fucking honkies.
• Then there was this one time when ex-D.C. mayor, Marion (“bitch set me up!”) Barry tested positive for cocaine, despite being given a week's prior notice of the clinic visit. (Blow lasts in your piss for 3 days.) Do you know how the Washington media reacted? THEY FUCKING PITIED HIM. Here's a guy that gets caught on tape buying dirty whores (irregular items on sale at discount), smoking crack out of crackpipes, and cheating on his taxes, while simultaneously driving D.C.'s economy into a chocolate-town shithole, and all this motherfucker gets is fucking... pity?
• You honkies and your bullshit pity for us minorities. No thanks.
• Jesus Christ, the man is practically begging for a splash page on the cover of all the tabloids! Stop discriminating! If Ashanti and Ja-Rule perform at some spoiled bitch's sweet-16 party, they get buried on page 54 of the style section. But if some washed-up trailer trash whore forgets to wear panties -
• 
• Oh God Almighty! It’s like gawking at retarded children! You don’t want to stare, but you just can’t look away! Make it stop!
• Dear Britney Spears: you are not
  arousing Jesus. He has no boner for you.
• Gasp, what does she have around her neck? Is that a gold icon of a serpent? Britney, you're a fucking Satanist. Plus, your equipment is all flabby and damaged. Honey, Jesus sure as hell ain't gonna be saving your devil-worshipping, flabby soul anytime soon. Nope.
• While researching for this deeply-divisive, racial issue, I asked for some expert opinions from a group of black chicks I ran into at the mall and they told me, “Fool! Don't you know that a strong black woman can’t be caught with bad hair in public?”
• So, for all the white people listening - take after your strong black role models. Always make sure your hair looks damn good. Beyonce? Alicia Keys? They're not in the tabloids. Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, and Lindsay Lohan? They have bad hair. And look what happens when you can't keep up with black people - honestly,
• 
• If I had to choose between Lindsay, Britney, and Paris, I’d choose... the car.
• I don't care if Britney Spears' diseased-ridden coochie is old news. It's still disgusting. It's still funny to talk about. Fuck, the woman is in some serious need of a bit of landscaping down there.
• (Chances are, it was probably laundry day.)
• I suppose I've been mistaken. It's not that white people discriminate black people out of tabloids.... The real issue at hand is that black people don’t act like fools. Only fools belong in tabloids. Tabloids are full of honkies. As some anonymous black woman once quipped, “Girl, you need to get yo’ life together.”
• 
• “Mmm-hmm.”

Sunday, August 20th, 2006

• Sorry folks, Jesus won't be fielding questions this week.
• Where's Jesus?
• While flying back to New York after a charitable mission of mercy in Calcutta, our Lord and Savior was chatting away to his Apostle homeboys on a cellphone, and the air marshall taser'd him. After dragging His Holy ass into an interrogation room, a background check quickly revealed that Jesus was born in Bethlehem, which is technically part of Palestine. And as we all know that Palestine is full of terrorists, suicide-bombers, and towelheads, the Son of God is locked up in a holding cell right now.
• To all you readers of applesanity.com, TSA airport security, in collaboration with the CIA, has arrested our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. He's being held against His will. Fuck, He's being held against God's will.
• May Jesus have mercy on the souls of airport security agents. Seriously - seeing as how they've imprisoned Him and all.
• I'm going to start a petition to release Jesus Christ from custody. I'm also going to start a fund to raise the rediculous amount of bail money necessary to get Him out. Donations welcomed. Give me money. It's for Jesus. And if you deny Jesus, you're a racist.

Sunday, August 13th, 2006

• What would Jesus do if He was a target for some good old fashioned racial profiling?
• Jesus would flip a holy shit, that's what He'd do. Why the fuck would the government want to do a racial profile of Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior? Who the fuck does Kip Hawley think he is? Racial profiling - you've gotta be fucking kidding me.
• Last He checked, Jesus is a Semite. And yes, despite the fucking Zionist popularization of terms like “Anti-Semite” and “Anti-Semitism”, both Jews and Palestinians are of the Semite ethnicity. Even though Jesus may have pissed off a few Zionist money-changers and those fucking Zionist priests, there's one thing that the Son of God certainly is not:
• Jesus is not a terrorist.
• Racial profiling is one giant fucking crock of shit. I don't care if racial profiling works. I don't care if the majority of terrorists are towelheads. The topic of racial profiling is not a matter of political correctness versus incorrectness. (If you've read this far, you have got to know that I'm no fan of political correctness.) The issue is, how much power do you want to give our government?
• If you give the government an inch, they'll take everything you own.
• If you allow the government to conduct racial profiling, they'll start using racial profiling as a rationalization for all sorts of other bullshit in the name of national security.
• Oh, that's right - they have done shit like that - what was that euphemism again? Japanese concentration internment camps: one giant fucking waste of taxpayer money.
• How many police investigations end prematurely simply because some black guy from some Bob Dylan song just happens to be in the neighborhood?
• Governments abuse power. They all do. You can't blame them. The only thing that we citizens can do is to give them as little wiggle room as possible. If you had power, wouldn't you want to squeeze every last pretense for some more power? If I was king, I'd stop using toilet paper - I'd have hot chicks lick my asshole squeaky clean.
• WWJD ?
• Meet this fucking douchebag: Congressman Peter King of New York:
• 
• “I think it's time to end political correctness”
• “To me if a person is of Middle Eastern descent, it's legitimate for the screener to ask more questions.”
•     - Peter King, asshole extraordinaire
• You know what - I think I'll give (asshole extraordinaire) Peter King the benefit of the doubt. I'll assume he's neither a fucking Zionist nor a fucking racist. I'll assume he's full of good intentions. But listen, you fucking asshole: the road to hell is paved with fucking assholes. And your argument is full of holes.
• 
• That's right - I went there. Suck on that, Peter King. May Jesus Christ have mercy on your soul, you fucking asshole.
• (Update, 25 March 07) Peter King Asshole, I suppose the next thing you'll say is,
• “I'm not racist. Not all Muslims are terrorists.”
• It's all or nothing. Either everyone gets profiled, or nobody does. Nobody is entitled to preferential treatment, especially by government employees.
• Peter King Assole Extraordinaire: by supporting racial profiling, you're allowing incompetant goverment employees to single out people, who apparently, have had the tragic misfortune of not being born of your race. Congratulations. May you rot in Hell.

Sunday, August 6th, 2006

• What would Jesus do for a good laugh?
• He would turn on the TV, and watch politicians make speeches. There's nothing funnier than watching politicians make total douchebag, hypocritical assholes of themselves. Take Ned Lamont, for example - he's spanking Senator Joe Lieberman with a leather whip right now.
• “Those are the facts that we have 63 lobbyists for every Congressman in Washington, D.C. I think it's so important we get people to Washington, D.C. who are free of lobbyists influence, who can't be bought, who are going stand up and act on behalf of the public good.”
•     - Ned Lamont, hypocrite
• 
• Is it just me, or is the Reverend Al Sharpton oogling Lindsay Lamont's boobs? bShame on you. Al Sharpton, you a dirty, dirty, old man. Yes, it's true that we all get a good laugh out of black-on-white crime, sinful padres, and statutory rape hot lolita action, but it's just not funny when you combine the three. There are some lines that nobody should cross. Jesus don't like pedophiles. But even Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior, can't help Lindsay Lamont in situations like these:
• 
• Just look at that little piece of statutory! Is it just me, or are the hands of Lindsay Lamont gesturing towards cradling something oblong for the intention of shoving it into her O-shaped mouth? Lindsay Lamont, you are making it too easy. I won't even bother stating the obviously suggestive suggestions of your actions.
• INSERT SEXUALLY EXPLICIT, WOEFULLY TASTELESS JOKE HERE.
• No wonder the Reverend Al Sharpton has his sights set on you. Lindsay Lamont, don't be a tease. Jesus don't like teasers.
• (Update: August 24th - Can I get any more tasteless and borderline libelous? Yes, yes I can.) I found this picture (from the AFP) of jailbait Lindsay Lamont and her big daddy stepping off into a Greenwich H.S. voting booth, to be all alone with each other behind closed curtains. They look so happy, their smiles so bright.
• 
• What the fuck are these two up to? Look at the Ned Lamont - that's got to be the single most mischievous smile I've ever seen. What the fuck is he planning to do with his little girl? And what's Lindsay Lamont hinting at? Is she grabbing her daddy's ass? You naughty little girl, you. I've never seen any other father-daughter team so happy to be alone together except.... Oh shit, is daddy cleverly using that curtain to hide a massive boner? Oh daddy!
• INCEST + BIG SMILES = BAD FATHER.
• Of course, I'm not trying to jump to conclusions or anything. Maybe these two just really, really love voting.

Sunday, July 30th, 2006

• What would Jesus do if His mommy gave Him some allowance money?
• Jesus would give it to the poor. For all the wealth that our Lord and Savior will ever need lies in the Kingdom of Heaven. Worldly possessions mean nothing when you die. You don't get to take anything with yourself when you die, besides yourself, and nobody else. Everyone dies alone. Especially you.
• Jesus would sooo not spend his money buying that piece of shit DVD release, V for Vendetta. What a fucking crock. I have never seen a movie that missed the mark so badly. Jesus Christ Almighty, I hate the Wachowski brothers.
• You'd figure that if you had a comic book to base a movie, all the thinking has already been done for you, and all you really need to do is to accept the panels as story boards. Like Frank Miller's Sin City. That was a great movie. That movie was basically the comic book, except the panels were moving.
• The gist of the V for Vendetta comic book is nothing like the movie. Not even close. What I am about to do is to draw lots of comparisons between the book and the movie. Don't be off in a rush to label me a fanboy; I'm not, and fuck you. I'm only making these comparisons to show you that this movie had the potential and basis to be great, but chose to be flashy and trite instead. I am also going to point out that it's not faithfulness to your resources that matters - it's cohesiveness. Go ahead and change a few storylines or scripts, delete some scenes or come up with new ones, or do whatever - so long as your end product still makes sense and I'm entertained, I probably won't even notice.
• But it's appalling how anyone can rationalize taking a bunch of scenes from a great story and changing half the dialogue to suit your personal agenda. Intuitively, you'd be left with an experience that has very little to with your message, thereby hurting the effectiveness and validity of your message, right?
• V for Vendetta as the comic book is about revenge, fascism, and anarchy. That's it. While written partly in response to Margaret Thatcher, the book wasn't a direct criticism of her - it was criticism of a possible direction of England's future: fascism.
• The movie is about John Kerry voters versus Bush. A two-hour pretense for Bush-bashing. From using terrorism as an excuse for militarization, to hunting down Muslims, to well, everything. You have got to be a complete moron to miss the Michael Moore agenda.
• WWJD ?
• Strike #1: If you're going to have the word 'vendetta' in your title, be sure that your work is about a vendetta, not about thinly-veiled jabs at Bush.
• The question begged is why re-interpretation is so wrong. After all, why bother turning a comic book into a movie if you don't allow yourself a few liberties? For example, the Wolverine of the comics is a feral, raging beast, but the movie version is just a guy with some emotional issues and violent tendencies. I didn't really mind much - the re-interpretation was believable and consistent with the way the emo-mutant behaved. So long as I'm entertained and convinced, I'm happy.
• Look, the X-Men movie was a total makeover for most of the core characters. Nevertheless, all of them still had to cope with having all sorts of freakish powers while living in a world that fears the unknown. Freaks that have to deal with being freaks in a freak-hating world - go figure! Now if all these abominations decided to attack President Bush, you'd have V for Vendetta, the movie.
• What the Wachowski brothers did to V would be like reading a few Batman comics and making a movie about how Bruce Wayne stands for truth, justice, and the American way.
• In the comic book, V for Vendetta, the character V is out on a giant... vendetta. V was fucked over in the past, so he goes after all the people who fucked him over. In order to rationalize his total lack of morality, good or evil, he swears by anarchy. He has seen how people have used 'justice' as a pretense for fascism; he blows up a statue of 'Justice.' He's really not a likeable guy at all. He doesn't cook breakfast, he doesn't listen to 'Cat Power' records, and he certainly doesn't show much affection towards Evey. He incites anarchy in the masses because he wants a land of do as you please, and to piss off the people he wants to kill.
• V was not about stopping a neo-con government. He was against authority, in any form. He also wanted revenge. The amoral things he did and said were consistent with his ideology.
• In the movie, V's a freedom fighter, echoing the adage, 'one man's terrorist is another's freedom fighter.' But the movie's future isn't really that bad at all. Every home has a TV, most people appear middle-class and well-nourished, and you can sit in bars and voice your hatred of the government. The movie's society is just an ACLU lawyer's wet dream. Strike #2.
• I walk around this hippie tree-hugging Columbia campus to get my daily dose of Bush-bashing. I go to the movies to be entertained.
• The comic book leader was actually just a tormented guy. There was a nuclear war which destabilized the world (not in the movie) and this leader just did what he thought would work: create a nation of total conformity and order, for the sake of stability.
• And then there's Evey. In the movie, she's a timid little girl who decides to whore herself, because auctioning off your pussy is the first thing that comes to mind for timid schoolgirls. And for some reason, V forces her into his life because timid little girls are appealing to him. Strike #3.
• He cooks this girl breakfast and then tortures her for the sake proving a point that she was not even prepared to accept. Afterwards, Evey and V get romantically involved. Jailbait and a masked freak show... right.
• The Evey of the comic books is a strong woman. V invites her into his world because he recognizes her potential as his successor. Now why the fuck would he go looking for timid little girls to help him overthrow society?
• Jesus and I could go on forever. Basically, the Wachowski brothers took an awesome story and twisted it into another mediocre action flick, complete with unconvincing characters, a sappy romance, excessive CG, endless plot holes, and pseudo-intellectual bullshit. I dislike Bush as much as any other, but an action movie is not the correct medium. We have talk radio and op-ed columns for that.
• What's worse is that V talks about anarchy during most of the book, so there's no way you can miss the point. For God's sake, his 'V' symbol is the fucking symbol for anarchy, upside down and just short of the strikethrough. He blows up government buildings. He promotes lawlessness. He disrupts society. HE'S A FUCKING ANARCHIST.
• The movie V commits most of these things, but he's portrayed as both a freedom fighter and a super-hero. Freedom fighters work towards replacing the government they hate with a government they want. Freedom fighters aren't anarchists. Strike #... oh, fuck it.
• You just can't have it both ways. People will smell your bullshit. John Kerry, would you like a waffle?
• Jesus don't play that way.
• “'V for Vendetta' was specifically about things like fascism and anarchy... Those words, 'fascism' and 'anarchy,' occur nowhere in the film. It's been turned into a Bush-era parable by people too timid to set a political satire in their own country. In my original story there had been a limited nuclear war, which had isolated Britain, caused a lot of chaos and a collapse of government, and a fascist totalitarian dictatorship had sprung up. Now, in the film, you've got a sinister group of right-wing figures - not fascists, but you know that they're bad guys - and what they have done is manufactured a bio-terror weapon in secret, so that they can fake a massive terrorist incident to get everybody on their side, so that they can pursue their right-wing agenda. It's a thwarted and frustrated and perhaps largely impotent American liberal fantasy of someone with American liberal values [standing up] against a state run by neo-conservatives - which is not what “V for Vendetta” was about. It was about fascism, it was about anarchy, it was about [England]. The intent of the film is nothing like the intent of the book as I wrote it. And if the Wachowski brothers had felt moved to protest the way things were going in America, then wouldn't it have been more direct to do what I'd done and set a risky political narrative sometime in the near future that was obviously talking about the things going on today?”
• - Alan Moore
• The Wachowski brothers could not be reached for comment.

Sunday, July 23rd, 2006

• What would Jesus do if He was on a diplomatic mission to the NYC Chinese Consulate on 12th Avenue, but a bunch of Falun Gong practioners were blocking the entrance?
• Jesus can heal the sick, cure leprosy, and if he strains real hard, he can bring the dead back to life. Jesus would soooo give all those practioners the AIDS.
• Greenwich Village is only a few minutes away. He'd walk over there, and ask some cross-dressing fairy for a pint of blood. Nobody can refuse Jesus Christ. And chances are, that pint of blood is full of the AIDS. Then he'd buy a tranquilizer gun and load it up with a whole bunch of darts containing the AIDS, and shoot each and every one of those people in His way.
• Falun Gong is a cult. As part of its public image, it tells you that the evil Commie Chinese Government is oppressing their group. They say that all they do is meditate and practice calming, martial-arts excercises. Well fuck, Tai Chi involves meditation and calming, martial-arts excercises too, but you don't see them getting banned in China. What's the deal?
• Falun Gong is a cult. Like the crazy Scientologists, they have a pretty front cover as a means of recruiting. Instead of free 'stress tests' that block traffic flow in Times Square (funny, by blocking major pedestrian intersections, Scientologists only serve to cause more stress for the rest of us non-whackos), they have public meditation.
• Ooohh, they must be harmless. Then they make you buy expensive books and videos. They want your money. Their leader, Li Hongzhi, tells the more serious followers to abandon their former lives. They should reject medicine. Their leader can fly, and he is omnipotent. Doomsday is coming. And if there's somebody trying to oppress you, you should light yourself on fire.
• Just because a bunch of Communists are oppressing a group of people doesn't mean that those people shouldn't be oppressed.
• WWJD ?
• So here's the plot. All those Falun Gong people now have the AIDS. They think that you can only remove what ails you through Falun Gong. If you close your eyes and wave your arms around long enough, you'll feel better. Jesus can heal the sick. Jesus is going to cross 12th Avenue and stand there, watching the HIV wreck those cultists apart.
• The condition is, if you want to feel better, you'll have to reject your retarded cult, leave the Chinese Consulate, cross the street, and have Jesus heal you. Or you can use your Falun Gong powers to heal yourself. What's it going to be?
• Let that be a lesson to all you non-believers out there - if you get in Jesus's way, He'll give you the AIDS.

• Continue to the Sunday Guidance Archives

• 
  0501928 views; candy flipping since 2006-01-25
• “Sunday Guidance - WWJD”
  Exclusive property of the Apple Sanity Collective
  Written by Dinah Cheshire
  201605 hits on www.applesanity.com/text/sunday/