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Fucking, Danish Style Date: Thu, 8 May 2003 12:14:19 -0400 (EDT)Subject: Billy Ray's sexual adventuresWhile I was trying to clean up my email inbox, I came across this gem from Billy Ray Paxil while he was still abroad; ahhh, the nostalgia. Just thought you all would enjoy it for another quick danish laugh in the middle of finals. -Uncle Sonjay ---------- Forwarded message ----------Date: Tue, 25 Jun 2002 21:03:44 -0400 (EDT)From: Billy Ray PaxilI'd like to share a brief, random, and purposeless story - in the shitmail tradition - about a Danish chick named Katrina. I met Katrina at a party in my Copenhagen Dorm. I noticed she was drunk, and when I got close to her, I discerned an irritating odor coming from her armpits. It was the nasty stench of Body Odor. But, let's not forget that she was drunk, had a tongue ring, and was ready to give head. Plus, I put two condoms in my wallet because I was sick of masturbating. I knew I would fuck that night - even if meant fucking a chick with smelly armpits. Katrina was actually pretty good looking. (The thing about Danish chicks is that they can be attractive and horny sluts at the same time. It's an incredible combination). Anyhow, some friends of mine warned me about this chick. “Dude, stay away. She's probably got all sorts of diseases.” Another person told me (and this, I learned, was 100% true) that she fucks only African dudes. The term African is not meant in any derogatory way. I mean it literally. She only fucks dudes from Africa. Her current boyfriend is from Gambia, her previous boyfriend was Nigerian, and there is a whole list of them. On one hand, I was worried about the cave into which my dick would excavate; on the other hand, I was a little insecure that my cock would be dwarfed by the dicks she's been humping. The smelly chick's Gambian boyfriend was in Sweden. She wanted to fuck in his room (which happened to be right across from my door), but I was admittedly frightened, and I insisted that we go to her room (my room was currently occupied by a friend who was staying over for the night). We're on her bed, and I pull down her pants, and then shove down her underwear. I see before me a shaved vagina. I smell before me another very disturbing odor. This time it was coming from her pubic region. In spite of that, since I was drunk, I proceeded to eat what tasted like 5 day fish that's been baking in the Arizona sun. Then we get to the point. She took off my pants - and that was the moment of truth. Do I play Russian roulette with my dick? Or do I go back to my room and masturbate - again? Of course, I chose to play Russian Roulette. Of course, I put on a condom, and let it slide inside of her. Notice the word “slide.” It was like trying to fit a safety pin in a cup of soup: very easy. So, the sex was good on one hand because she was a goddamn pro. She was doing shit to me I never even saw in porn. But on the other hand, my dick was sloshing around inside of her like a gold fish in an aquarium. There was a lack of the necessary friction, which meant that it would take 9 minutes, instead of my customary 15 seconds. There was another factor that prolonged the process: I was nervous as shit. I kept on making sure that my condom didn't break. Yes, I would pull it out of her, and make sure. When I saw that everything was ok, I dumped the goldfish into the tank again. Well, after her Kama Sutra techniques, I exploded. We separated, and she lit a cigarette. I just sat there like a useless naked fuck, staring at a wall, and making sure my condom was still intact. Just to make sure, I went to the bathroom, took off the rubber, and filled it up with water. Phew! No leaks. I was so happy and felt so lucky I wanted to fuck her without a condom. But instead, I put on my clothes, and said goodnight. I would ultimately bang this chick about 7 more times. And every time I fucked her, I would fill up my condom with water. Fortunately, there were never any leaks, so you all are not looking at a brother with only a few more years to live. There were a few more noteworthy incidents with this chick, but I think only one of them is particularly worth mentioning: One night, I went to her place. I was horny again. (By the way, One thing that was special was the honesty of this “relationship.” I would call her, and I would not ask her how here day was, what she was feeling, and what she wore that day. I would call her and say these precise words: “I was just wondering if you would like to have sex.” And she would give me an answer. Sometimes she would say no, and sometimes she would say yes. And while it sucked when she said no, at least she didn't make me waste my time to sit there and talk about shit I didn't want to talk about.) Anyhow, I went over to her place, and proceeded to undress (there was no bullshit, we'd just get to the fuckin'), but she told me, “not yet.” What the fuck? Ok, I can be patient. So I put my clothes back on and lied down on my back on her bed. Then she came into the room. She crawled on the bed (with her clothes on), and lifted my feet in the air. This is a very vulnerable position for a man because the anus is just staring her in the face. Of course I had my pants on, but still, it was a very strange position. But I was used to strange positions, and normally strange positions were followed by an orgasm, so I was more excited than nervous... But if I knew what was coming, I sure as hell would have been nervous. As I said, my feet were in the air, and she had me in a sort of lock. Next to her is a glass vase on a table, and this glass vase had a glass insertion that would cover the hole in the top. It was a pointy little object, and soon that pointy little object, which was in her hand, was making its way toward the direction of my ass. Yes, she was ready to shove a glass dildo up my ass, and I must admit that I do not have the reflexes of a cat. Plus, I was in shock for what she was about to do. Her hand and the pointy glass dildo were speeding toward my asshole; in a matter of milliseconds it was an inch away; and then she was close. But she missed, and when I felt the object strike a few centimeters left of my anus, I threw her off of me (not violently, but forcefully enough to get her and her smelly vagina and her glass dildo away from me). She had a wicked smile on her face. That was not the last time I would see that smile. This chick introduced me to a whole world of twisted ness and insanity that I had never encountered. She would shake and scream violently throughout the night (don't ask why I spent a night; maybe I was just horny), and had haunting visions in her dreams. Then her Gambian fuck buddy came over. They broke up, and she started fucking another dude. Yes, he was from Africa - he was Gambian also - and I never fucked her again. And so I wandered through the desert with my penis, looking for another vagina oasis. Some came, but none that were quite so smelly; none that were quite so dangerous; none that were quite so big. Billy Ray Paxil
Written by Billy Ray Paxil, June 2002 |
