• (Last modified on: Jan. 11 at: 1:30 am. EST)
  The following is an ACTUAL essay that I submitted as part of a now-deprecated Columbia University class, known as 'Logic & Rhetoric.' The essay prompt was,
• “If you could travel backwards in time, name one thing you would do. Based on the consequences of your hypothetical actions, discuss the nature of causality.”
• In order to protect identities, names and numbers have been changed. Hence or otherwise, this essay is presented to you absolutely unedited.
• My grade for the assignment: A+. I swear.

• Cheshire, Dinah
  ENGL 1007 C 012
  16 September 20##
  Word Count: 496

The Aroma of Carman ##

• Given the opportunity, I would travel back in time to the afternoon of September 15, 20##. Upon arriving, I would deodorize Porter's shoes, which were (and still are) lying in the hallway of my dorm. Consequently, the hallways should not smell like feet on this Monday morning of September 16, 20##.
• The smell of Porter's shoes has permeated nearly every part of the hallway, and today, I dread stepping outside my room because I do not want to experience the many odors that an athlete's shoes can produce. The smell is slowly drifting into my suite now, and its painful sharpness has disturbed my sleep.
• The hallway stench of Carman ## is one event that I can change easily by deodorizing Porter's shoes. I have already tried talking to him, but since he does not care about the smell, he probably will not do anything about it. I cannot throw the shoes away because then Porter would not have any shoes. I cannot throw the shoes back into his suite because the smell would be concentrated there, potentially causing his suitemates to suffer a moment of temporary insanity, resulting in his shoes being hurled out the window, falling twelve stories, and polluting the air outside Lerner Hall. Then Porter would have no shoes.
• Moreover, given the recent pattern of heat and rain, the shoes would become perfect incubation vessels, causing the bacteria in them to multiply at a greater rate. People walking by the shoes would probably collapse to the ground and choke in their own vomit. Thus, the original solution I proposed seems best.
• Today's world would be much different if I deodorized Porter's shoes: the hallway outside my suite would not smell like feet. The only negative implications I can imagine are the lingering smell of disinfectant in the halls (which should be tolerable) and the lack of subject material for a certain “Logic and Rhetoric” assignment.
• The notion of deodorizing Porter's shoes raises the thought of how people attach causality to events they experience. Since this attachment assumes that every event must have a cause and effect, people often think that they must also have some kind of solution as well. This implication of defining all events in terms of causality occasionally forces people to find solutions in places either where solutions may not exist or where solutions are unnecessary.
• Many think constantly about changing events in the past, but they commonly neglect the inevitable paradoxes and consequences that will occur. For example, if the shoes stay where they are and continue to pollute the hallway and choke every floor-mate, then maybe Porter will realize the harm he has inflicted and as a result, he might go wash his shoes.
• However, since time travel is not possible yet, I will just spray his shoes in about five minutes from now. I hope that my actions will not be too late and that the smell of feet does not hang around for too long.

• 
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• “Carman, Time Travel”
  Exclusive property of the Apple Sanity Collective
  Written by Dinah Cheshire
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