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applesanity.com > text > 3rd periodBits and pieces from deranged minds - the following don't really have any place
to go or fit into. A new entry every Tuesday. Tuesday August 22st, 2006-----Original Message-----Date: Tue, 22 Aug 2006 03:01:20 -0400From: Dinah Cheshire, <Dinah####@columbia.edu>To: E____ Goldstein, <m-word####@columbia.edu>CC: CUNIX, <psi-upsilon-lambda-list@columbia.edu>Subject: Re: All your snakes are belong to usQuoting "E_____ L. Goldstein" <elg####@columbia.edu>: >
I hate you. You just nerdily referred us to: A nerd's spoof of a nerd's spoof of a spoofy game played only by nerds. That was not only fucking awful, it was also fucking awful. So fucking awful, I think it gave me a fucking awful case of ultra-hardcore-XXX leukemia. You also referred us to a page that had the word, “otaku” in the domain. “Otaku” is Japanese for 'fanboy.' Oh Jesus Holy Christ Almighty, our Lord and Savior in heaven, you have serious issues if you visit wannabe-Japanese fanboy sites. Remember the days when F____ would forward interactive Flash animations of dancing titties? And vaginas that looked like emoticons? I hate you, M-word E_____.
####, Ehud-B____-cchhh-Eli-Rosen-chhh-Shalom-Dradel-ccchhhh-Kyle#1+#2
#####,
“I let the dogs out. ”
Tuesday August 15st, 2006Whoops.
“Luke, does my black cape make me look fat? ”
Tuesday August 08th, 2006I recall this one time, when I was channel surfing, I stumled upon my very first viewing of “Dawson's Creek.” Five minutes into the episode, Joey proclaimed out loud about having an 'existential crisis.' I changed the channel.
“Semen: the latest development in
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“Pork: the other white meat!”
Tuesday July 25th, 2006
-----Original Message-----
Date: Sat, ## Aug 20## 06:15:06 -0400
From: j_____, <#######@columbia.edu>
To: m_____, <m####@columbia.edu>
CC: CUNIX, <psi-upsilon-lambda-list@columbia.edu>
Subject: the life we lead
wat makes a playmaker. tonite does. when 5 alkies roll in to an apartment with a case of vodka and drink like they own the place. when theyre causing drama in nyu bars with jacked mother fuckers that play for the jets. when we roll into westend and tell people with that cocky psi u smirk that we's partyin tommorow,when on any given sunday we can upset the world, after getting tagged, after giving up a big play. thats what makes us playmakers. the cockiness, the swagger...the humility. the ability to suck in our oversized nuts and play for the greater good, to play for more then the benzes, the lex's and the worldly wear. the highs and the lows of any game any play, any given moment. a psi u playmaker is one that wants to take us to the playoffs. the recklessness is in our focus and reakizations that our glory is the house's and that we are all bricks in an immense wall. every interception, every touchdown every single damn yard is what makes us.thats what the vetrans taught us. that is our legacy and the next generations. the game will go on. but in every generation, we get bigger, stronger, more athletic, faster, and all we want is a championship
tonite i was injured, my coach told me i shouldnt play, in fact he didnt alow it. but i suited up. that is the legacy. i streched, i warmed up, and i got ready. that is the legacy, and sure enuff when the game ended, i was still on the field, still working, moving, flowing, still watching tape, still juicin it, still workin out, perfecting my techniques. still playin even though i forgot my lucky socks. that is the legacy. at the end it was me and an old mexican veteran, and tonite as i lay in my bed and dream of upcoming games, and more moments of shear joy, my mind thinks only of my dearest sweetest psi upsilon
y____
championships baby, lets get a ring.
“Well, at least I don't have cancer.”
Tuesday July 18th, 2006
-----Original Message-----
Date: Wed, ## February 20## 14:45:41 -0500
From: j_____, <#######@columbia.edu>
To: c_____, <c####@columbia.edu>
Subject: hey c___, i know i've been away for awhile, but i have a perfectly legit excuse
so at 8 in the morning this past sunday, i come back from my trip that started when i swallowed some shrooms around midnight. there were five shroomers, and two of them were first-timers.
“j____, when will we start feeling the shrooms?”
“it'll be about half an hour till your mind explodes...so....”
coming back from the trip, i look at the floor of my room, and there's beer, pizza, trash, and clothes strewn everywhere, and to top it all off, there's about 10 pounds of uncooked rice everywhere, on the floor, on the beds, in my pockets, inside my shoes, everywhere. everything in the entire room was coated in rice. RICE, GODDAMMIT, RICE! i look around and see two hot chicks, one on my bed, and one on my roomate p__'s bed. how they got there, or why they were lying next to me, i don't know. the funniest part was that we shroomed with some guy from upenn whom we don't know and we're never gonna meet again. fuck, what was his name, and how did he end up in our room? whatever.
i knew it was coming; its coming was inevitable. Did i want it to stop? not realizing that i was the first one, whose mind had exploded, P__ hands me a CD; play some music, he says. need to calm down. is that what he said? lips moving faster than words, words moving faster than thoughts. but the walls are melting; the bed is swallowing e____ up - she's sinking into the walls... they're crawling with bugs. Purple light glow of a computer screen catches the CD in such a way that it looks like P__ is holding a giant ball of fire. dare i touch it? i get a bit closer. What the fuck, his hand is on fire! A____ can't stop laughing. laughter like a mockery of dead kings.
I'm dead; dead, dead, dead. Born again, dying yesterday.
i remember at some point at 2 a.m. when i was fucked out of my mind, i left the room to go on a solo journey. instead, i run into one of my really good friends, who happens to be really prude, and really good-looking. (shit, there's gonna be so much explaining to do.) so the first thing i do is i put on the hugest smile on my face and hug her. she puts her hand on my shoulder, and i fall down, laughing uncontrollably.
“j____, are you okay?”
“don't worry about me christina, i'm in my own little world now.”
“j____, are you drunk?”
“no ma'am”
“j____, are you high?”
“no ma'am”
“then what are you on?”
“SHROOMS!!!!”
so of course, that scares the fuck out of her, and she spends the next hour yelling at me for being such a druggie. wow, i felt so sad, and why oh why wouldn't she stop yelling at me? she just wouldn't stop. the other shroomers even stopped to watch us, to watch a tripped out j____ get whipped to a bloody pulp by the most feisty chinese girl ever. if it wasn't for the fact that she put me in such an emotional low, all her yelling kinda turned me on.
Running up and down the halls, running up and down the stairs, running away from something or towards nothing. Rice everywhere. Too complicated. Calm down. Calm down. No seriously, calm down.
Calm down.
some time later on monday, i open up a 40 that was in my fridge, and lo and behold, there's rice in my budweiser. holy fuck.
it's like all my rice-eating ancestors are out to get me.
Oh god, there's rice everywhere in my room. make it stop. it's getting too complicated for me. i can't deal with it. i'll have none of it.
goodnight.
“Jews: God's chosen people.”
Tuesday July 11th, 2006
At the beginning of class, students were assed to arrange themselves in a way that it could be compared to the peeny table of the elephants. Instructions were given to us that there has to be a pattern going across the seats and patterns going down each column of society which is doomed. Doomed I say, Doomed!.
During class, about 22 or so of us mental patient peanuts arranged ourselves in the laundry chairs of the room. Students were put in specific order accordance to categories determined by physical afeatures. The physical features used on this elephant were hair color and style. Girls were placed to the left of the room facing the front and the boys were placed to the right. Columns were made by girls put by descending order of curliest hair to straightest. The curliest hair was at the very first chair up front near the left. Robin hoods were made descending from left to right by lightest hair color to darkest. Empty spaces were in between some of the desk chairs signifying spots were another student could be placed but were not present at the time or if someone could have features that were between those of more different characteristics. On the Right side of the room in which the boys sat, the arrangement of the rows were flipped backwards so that the lightest colored hair individuals sat farthest to the right but it was still arranged curliest to straightest from the front.
Each individual is an elephant. The girls were seated to the left because there were more googles than boogles and on the periodic table, there are more metals than non metals which were the boys. There was a pattern going across and vertically because on the table there are patterns going across and vertically. The empty spaces between some people are the empty unfilled spots on the table. The most reactive elements are on the furthest left and on the furthest right so there for the order was made backwards with the boys with the lightest colored students on the furthest sides of the room.
This experiment was done in order to compare the order of the acorn table of chipmnks, and how students can order themselves similar to that of the arrangement on the table.
“That's because she has the herpes!”
Tuesday July 4th, 2006
Kim's Fable
Once upon a time, there was a little frog. His name was Albert. Albert was a young frog and he still lived at his mother and father's pad. They were decent people, though their rules could be strict. They drove him crazy sometimes, but whose parents are ever normal?
So, one day, Albert went to a rave located in the cattails. A skunk was throwing it, and nobody should trust a skunk. But peter was a decent fellow and Albert had lent him five bucks, so it would be cool. Also, it was Wednesday and you'd be surprised how boring Wednesdays could be in the lake. Bingo night is no place for a young frog to be.
Since he wasn't very popular, (green really wasn't his color) he spent majority of his time grooving in the loser wall. He didn't take the mushroom that most of the other animals were taking. He knew what they could do to your life and your brain.
A water bug (who was being particularly belligerent and malicious too) noticed Albert and commenced to pick on him. All the other animals joined in the laugher (including peter, that inconsiderate bitch). Albert, who was normally very stolid in such situations, started to cry and swam away. He was on his way home, he was thinking about how he had lied to his parents to come here. And he had only been humiliated. It was a waste of a perfectly decent lie too. How many times can you tell your parents you got a goldfish-walking job that your not going to charge for, because the people are elderly and you felt bad?
He may have lied and cheated his way here, but he was proud to say he didn't have to lie about not doing any substances or giving into peer pressure. He didn't mate, he didn't do drugs, and he didn't-Suddenly, an unseen motorboat passed and ripped Albert to ribbons. His thoughts and worries disappeared as quickly as his mass sank to the bottom of the lake.
Moral of the story: never swim during duck season
“Pimples: like a venereal disease on your face”
Written by Various
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