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The
Báthory Clan family crest is
a dragon that is choking itself with its own tail.
I swear, I'm really not making this shit up. |
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| Countess Erzébet Báthory, 08/07/1560 - 08/21/1614: |
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Countess Báthory was a) a sick woman, b) a woman with
a sick sense of humor, or c) a sick woman with a sick sense
of humor.Information provided in this article is taken from
transcripts of official interrogations and testimony at a trial
that took place after authorities finally caught up with her.
The trial documents are now part of the Budapest State Archives.
The noble Báthory family stemmed from the Hun Gutkeled clan
which held power in broad areas of east central Europe (in those
places now known as Poland, Hungary, Slovakia, and Romania),
and had emerged to assume a role of relative eminence by the
first half of the 13th century. Then they decided to stop calling
themselves Huns and took on the name of one of their estates
(Bátor meaning 'valiant') as a family name. The Family peaked
in power during the mid 16th Century, and then started to suck
and die out completely by 1658. Great kings, princes, members
of the judiciary, as well as holders of ecclesiastical and civil
posts were among the ranks of the Báthory's.
Erzébet (or 'Elizabeth' for you honkies) Báthory was born in
1560 in a sexy castle in northwestern Hungary, near the Carpathian
Mountain foothills, which are near Transylvania. As for her
family tree, through many generations ran a streak of madness
and a taste for decadence: well-known sexual deviants, sadists
and masochists, Satanists, poisoners, heretics, and (gasp!)
intellectuals. When Lizzie was 11, she was betrothed to Ferencz
Násady, the scion of another powerful Protestant family. Erzébet’s
father had recently died, so her mother sent her off to live
with the Násady family, where she was to be trained for her
future role as a countess.
Erzébet was super-smart and talented as a child, and soon she
became bored with domestic routines, so she started fucking
all the peasant boys on the estate; one of them impregnated
her when she was 13. What a slut. That baby was kinda put away
as a forgotten memory, and she married Ferencz at 15. The newlyweds
had a choice of a shitload of opulent houses and pads. Erzébet,
being the sweet innocent girl she was, chose the dank and gloomy
Csejthe Castle, which was bordered by thick forests filled with
wolves.
Her husband was always off campaigning on lengthy wars, so Lizzie
had lots of free time to herself. So of course, she engaged
in affairs with various men, and soon she discovered the joy
and ecstasy in inflicting pain on servant girls, especially
if they were busty, chesty, bosomy, well-endowed, had "great
personalities," and were younger than 18. Her husband wasn’t
so taken aback, seeing as how he enjoyed torturing Turkish captives.
The couple lived quite happily and produced four children between
1585 and 1595.
One day in the winter of 1604, Ferencz died. Now Lizzie, freed
of marital obligations, had a lot more spare time on her hands.
She spent the next several years concentrating on new and inventive
ways to pleasure herself through the pain of others. She elaborated
on the frequent beatings that she and trusted members of the
household staff administered to her victims. There was Katerina,
her beauty consultant, and Dorottea Szentes, or "Dorka," her
resident witch.
She found newer and newer ways to humiliate her victims as she
kicked the shit out of them, including pressing red-hot coins
and keys into the hands of hapless girls.
There was the "Honey torture," where she would coat a girl in
honey, throw her outside the castle gates, and let bugs peck
at her to death while the local wolves feasted on delicately
glazed meat.
There was the "Water torture," which could only be performed
in winter when it's cold outside and you're snowed in...hmm,
so bored, so bored, what to do? Ah-hah! Lizzie orders her helpers
to drag naked peasant girls out into the snow and douse them
with water. And of course, they literally freeze to death. Meanwhile,
Lizzie's reclining back in her chair, touching herself.... mmmmm....
aaaahhhh.... oooohhhh..... yeaaahhhh...
There was the "Hannibal torture" where she'd slice off meat
from girls and forced them to eat their own flesh.
There was also the "Die, bitch, die!" torture where she would
get out the silver hooks her husband bought for her and personally
clawed chesty virgin girls to death.
Lest the reader get the wrong impression, it should be noted
that Lizzie was an orgasmically hot woman. She was considered
the hottest woman in Hungary, and guys lined up around the castle
block to try and marry this widow. There is nothing on earth
quite so desirable and easy as a rich hot slut.
So naturally, Lizzie also happened to be quite foxy and vain,
and she was always searching for new ways to preserve her youth
and beauty: she got this magician named Anna Darvulia to make
her magic elixirs. One day, Lizzie was slapping a servant girl
around so badly that the victim sprayed blood all over the countess,
and when Lizzie wiped the blood off, she noticed that her skin
was softer and whiter.
And that my friends, was the first of many, many bloody orgasms.
So there it is - the secret to staying youthful: bathing frequently
in the blood of big-breasted virgin girls. Before long, Lizzie
and her helpers- a nanny, a nurse, and a valet, converted the
dungeons of the castle into torture chambers and turned her
castle grounds into outside spectacles. As to why she used the
help of a valet, I don't know.
One day, Lizzie gets the brilliant idea of installing in the
cellar of her Vienna mansion a cylindrical iron cage with metal
spikes pointing inward, or a loose-fitting iron maiden, if you
will. Lizzie locks a girl or young woman into the cage, and
has the whole contraption hoisted to the ceiling. One of Lizzie’s
helpers then prods the girl with a red-hot poker, causing her
to flail about against the spikes, while Lizzie sat below, showering
in (and drinking) the blood.
Countess Báthory found out that as her middle age crisis approached,
the blood of busty young girls wasn’t good enough, so she sought
after purer, blue-blooded victims, young ladies, little girls,
whatever, who were of noble birth. She fingered herself a lot
as she bathed in this richer blood. Oooohhh! Oooo! Aaaahhhh!
Mmmmm! Bleed faster! Oohhh, I’m gonna cum! Oooohhh! Aaaahhhhhhh....
More! More! Shit, this one just died on me. Hmm, maybe I’ll
fuck her dead carcass.
She devised a brilliant plan to lure rich (not to mention hot!)
big-titted girls of noble birth to her castle. She started a
private school at her pad and took on 25 females pupils to train
them in the ways of being a countess. Once her students arrived,
she ate them and drank their blood.
Getting rid of all the bodies was kinda hard, especially when
Lizzie wanted her sadistic orgies more often. So, her helpers
said "fuck it," and they just started dumping the
bodies wherever. Villagers living in the vicinity kept stumbling
on all these little girls and big-breasted ladies lying in the
middle of their fields, drained of all their blood. So of course,
in true Middle Age fashion, they blamed it on a vampire.
Soon enough, her helpers were getting real sloppy with their
work, and the bodies of four victims were found dumped below
the Csejthe Castle ramparts. Hey - when your family owns Hungary,
you can probably get away with throwing dead bodies out your
window. So all the villagers grabbed their torches, rakes, and
pitchforks and went on a vampire hunt for Countess Báthory.
Senator Ted Kennedy killed Mary Kay Kirpatrick, stuffed her
in his car, and ran the car off a bridge into a river. He's
still a senator.
Around Christmas of 1610, Lizzie was formally questioned by
her cousin, the lord palatine of Hungary, Count György Thurzo,
who didn’t feel like adding another bloody stain to the bloody
family tree. Lizzie’s helpers were arrested and they confessed.
Police also found a list written by Lizzie of the girls and
young women who had been killed. How many, you ask?
650. If you do the math, you’ll see that Lizzie bathed in, drank,
and had orgasms in the blood of 9 girls every month for 6 years.
After the five-day trial, in which Lizzie Báthory’s name was
only mentioned once, her helpers were sentenced to be publicly
tortured and put to death. First they had their fingers ripped
out, then they were burned alive at the stake, Mongolian barbecue
style.
The moral of the story: it pays to have cousins in high places.
And dear old Erzébet spent the rest of her days locked away
and walled up in her own bedroom in Csejthe Castle, with only
a food hatch connecting her to the outside world. She died on
August 21, 1614. Our Big-Breasted Girl, which art locked in
a bloody cage, Hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom makes us come.
Thy will be tortured in earth, as it is in my dungeon. Give
us this day our daily bloodbath. And forgive us our sexual drives,
as we forgive you for not bleeding faster. And lead us not into
the Law, but deliver us from boredom: For thine is the kingdom,
and the screaming, and the orgies, for ever. Amen.
written by Jimmy Ha
exclusive property of applesanity.com
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